Doubting Thomas

Doubt, that insidiously gnawing tendril of fear and insecurity. It eats away at your conscience, tormenting your very soul, mind and being. Constantly I am beset with doubts; I have a hunger to learn more and more, and yet with every new thing I learn I am sent back to square one to try and systematically fit everything together into some sort of a coherent whole. This past year at college my little world was rocked almost daily as I learned new and wonderful things about God, the Bible and humanity, it was scary, amazing and beautiful all at once. Through it all doubt was my constant companion, a healthy counterpart for faith I think.

A couple weeks ago my pastor said something that blew my mind and sent me into a mini spiral of despair. He announced that he has never doubted his faith in Christ and in his salvation. Immediately I began to panic as he declared that we need not ever doubt all of our good Christian heritage, the Scriptures, or the assurance of our salvation. What kind of Christian am I, I thought, surely I must not truly be a believer if I am so constantly plagued with doubts, why am I not one hundred percent confident in my beliefs at all times?

I cast my mind back to the gospel accounts, if you read carefully, you'll notice that not only did the apostles not really understand what was going on, they were afflicted with some pretty severe doubts, and unlike us, they did not have millenia of tradition and writings to fall back on for reassurance.

I started thinking about what faith was, I think 1 Peter 1:8 sums it up very well, "You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy." Faith is a journey we embark on without knowing exactly where we are going, we don't know all the little details, nor do we always need to. Faith is realizing that you don't know where you are going, second guessing, doubting, fearing, but persevering. Faith is continuing to walk in the direction you were shown even when you can't see your feet to be certain that you are still on the path. God is faithful, he will guide you along, but doubting isn't a testament against your faith, listening to your doubts and acting upon them is. It is healthy to doubt, and I believe anyone who is absolutely honest with themselves, if they have faced any trials of any kind, would admit to experiencing doubt.

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world" 1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT). A mark of true faith is the faith that experiences trials and yet stands strong, I think an extension of that would be experiencing the paralyzing touch of doubt and yet carrying on; that is genuine faith, it has been tested and refined in the fires of heaven.

God Bless