Listening

I play music by ear. Long ago I was able to read some music, but that skill quickly faded and now I'm almost completely dependent on my ears to help me along the right way. Because I have developed this skill, I can quickly pick out wrong notes and seek to fix them almost instantly - unfortunately when listening to someone else, an easy fix isn't always possible. This past weekend I played a show with my band and I could barely hear myself; I found out afterwards that it was partly because the monitor mix was messed up, but it was very difficult for me to play because the sense I relied so heavily on, had failed me.

I can listen very acutely while I make music and so am able to make judgements that benefit the overall performance. Yet I am a terrible listener, I always have been really. Originally it was because I assumed that I was right, then it became a habit. When I realized I wasn't always right, I found it easy to discredit the people who were "probably wrong", even if I was wrong too.

I don't even listen to God all that often. I move ahead, mocking those who sit and wait on the word of the Lord as being idolatrous and idle. Oh, every now and then I would pause and make sure I had the "All's clear" but mostly it's been my show. With very little regard for anyone else, friends, family or God, I have arrogantly made my way. Justified in my pride by the "knowledge" that I was right, or superior, or...

I try to listen, or at least I think I do - but I have so much to say and if I don't say it, somebody might miss out on some important truth? Right?

This summer I spent a lot of time by myself, listening to the radio mostly. I really listened, giving the people on air the benefit of the doubt, taking time to think through their position, not cutting them off with my own interjections; because really, that would have been futile. For some reason I can't listen to people though. Although this has been getting ever so slightly better.

Perhaps I learned not to listen because I realized I didn't want to hear what people were saying. Things like, "you've hurt me" or "you're being petty" or (worst of all!) "you're wrong". In the arrogance of youth  I didn't want to accept any consequences, but yet there are always consequences, to both good actions and bad.

I can't really change anything that I've done, and honestly, I'm not sure if I would want to. Sure I regret certain things, or at least how I reacted, but they needed to happen. At least my life has made me realize I need to listen. As a musician, I really should have known that.

So this year, maybe I'll listen more. I'd like to promise that I will, but promises that I can't keep aren't the best promises to make. I can talk less. Maybe that's it, talking less, and in the silence, being forced to listen more.

I've done much talking lately about learning the language of a community. I've now spent two years speaking the language of a community that I did not bother listening to first in order to learn it properly. Maybe, in these last months, I can pause from speaking to listen, and in listening, learn how to speak.

"Let us hear what the Spirit is saying to the Church..."