Chief Among Sinners

After reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together I am struck by the simple observation that he makes, that I am the worst of sinners. This is not some attempt at self-deprecation, self-pity, or a cry for attention; it is the simple realization that I am totally and wholly sinful. There is no aspect of my life that is untouched by the filth of sin; the fruit in my life leaves a tell-tale aftertaste of rot and decay.

I have identified three sins in my life that are at the root of all others, lust, rage, and pride. My desires and appetites undergird many of my social actions; arguably everything I do is calculated to influence public opinion in my favour, to satisfy my appetites and give me pleasure. When my carefully crafted schemes go awry, instant rage flashes just below the surface, I cannot tolerate any contradiction of my self-proclaimed deity. The idol of self that I have set up is the result of pride, that pride that is so common to humanity, that original sin of Adam, and the cause of Lucifer’s fall.

So I am left with this paradox – I do good things, yet all of my motives are utterly sinful, even when they are not, when I realize that they are not, I am filled with pride at my own self-righteousness and fall once more into sin. So then, is anything I do really good? Well of course - prayer is good, study of the Scriptures is to be commended, service is honourable, the list goes on; these are good deeds.

I have been told that Luther once said, “When you sin, sin boldly” and I have oft wondered what the heck he meant by that, but now I think I begin to see clearly. My life is full of (for the sake of this discussion) good deeds with evil motives. Does the motive corrupt the deed? Perhaps. Does the deed have a need to be done? Indubitably. I cannot leave good deeds undone whilst I wait for my life to be transformed into perfection. Such heroes of the faith as Paul, Augustine, Calvin, and Mother Theresa struggled with sin their entire lives, yet through their sin, did good deeds as praise to God. I am forced then to continue in good deeds, acknowledging my wickedness, and so, knowingly sinning.

I am totally depraved, but in that, grace is then increased, the deeds become something because of God's grace in my life. I have been declared justified, though I may sin in the execution of good deeds, I may do so boldly, knowing that the penalty has been paid in Christ crucified. Through the grace of Jesus Christ my deeds are made pure, scrubbed free of the evil intent that I am helpless to avoid.

Knowing myself as the sinner I am, humbles me to know that every good and perfect thing comes from Christ. The Missio Dei is truly God’s mission, I am that unworthy vessel that has been sanctified in the blood of my Saviour, and it is only by his grace that any fruit will grow through my actions. Though I am thoroughly horrified with the extent of my depravity, I know that in Christ, I am a new creation, I die with him, but only in the knowledge and confession of my utter sinfulness.