“Not my will but yours be done”. I pray this prayer every single day and yet I can’t help but wonder if I am blatantly lying to God every time I do so. A more honest prayer would be, “If my will coincides with your will God, may it be done”.
I want more and more to just do what Gods wants me to, but I have all these desires and dreams for myself that I can’t seem to let go of. Up until now I have operated under the assumption that I can basically do what I want and God will work his will through me, it will all go according to his plan. I’m not so sure of that anymore.
There are certain things that I have always assumed will be a part of my life, but what if God were to tell me I shouldn't have those things anymore. I gave up alpine ski racing for God, but it took a lot of pressure on a lot of different levels, doing it just for God wasn't enough to make me quit. I'm an exceedingly stubborn person, which God seems to know, and so when he really wants things to change, he applies a lot of pressure to make me change, knowing that I'm not going to make the tough decision until I am forced to it.
I have realized that I am very self-conscious; I strive for acceptance in the eyes of others, I want to be seen as "that guy that's following God's will". The paradox is, I actually want to be that guy on the one hand, but on the other hand I just want to be that guy so that other people will think well of me. The more I think about my motives, the more I realize that every good thing I do is corrupted by a desire for attention, truly, as Calvin said, I am totally depraved. No wonder Christ had to come die for us, even in doing good, my motives are impure and thus spoil the good deed. This Thanksgiving I am truly grateful for Grace and all of its abundant mercies.
And so I will continue to pray, "thy will be done" in hopes that slowly but surely, God will transform my heart's desires to that of his heart's desires.
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